The conversations we must have about rape

There has been much discussion on social media surrounding alleged sexual assaults committed by a so-called American icon. It has obviously ignited a firestorm fueled with a lot of “slut shaming” and “victim blaming.” These he-said/she-said scenarios are played out on a much smaller scale in cities and towns all across the country.

Women in the traditional age range for college students – from 18 to 21 – are four times more likely to be sexually assaulted than any other age group, according to a study by the American Association of University Professors in 2012. This statistic is egregious, but if you take into account that many victims do not report their attacks it becomes terrifying. As high as the number is, it is likely higher due to the fact than some will not come forward.

In September, Gov. Jerry Brown signed off on the landmark “Yes Means Yes” legislation, which offers a much more specific definition as to what “consent” actually means. According to the mandate, sexual partners on college campuses must give “affirmative, conscious and voluntary agreement,” and this agreement to have sex cannot be obtained if it involves a “drugged, drunk or unconscious person.” Beyond that, it explicitly states that silence or refusing to fight back does not constitute consent.

There are many other important aspects to this law that are just as crucial, but I am focusing on the word consent. Someone who is high on drugs or drunk cannot give informed consent to intercourse. There should not be any form of coercion to force a “yes” from another individual.

The ignorance surrounding this crime is shocking. That a CNN reporter infamously asked a victim on national television why she didn’t just bite him to stop the assault shows how deep the ignorance runs.

It must be reiterated, rape is not about sex; it is about having power and control over the victim. It is a violent expression of dominance. Also, most rapes are committed by someone known to the victim. It is no wonder that this crime is under-reported.

The act of rape, by its very nature, is designed to terrify a victim. Sadly, the aftermath is often worse. Victim blaming, “slut shaming” and trials in the “court” of public opinion often cause a victim to run for the proverbial hills.

After I was attacked, I was asked by a family member, “What were you wearing?” That phrase really was the bucket of cold water that caused me not to come forward. At the time, I even wondered if I had chosen something different to wear, would it have still happened. Sadly, many victims are asked that question.

There is no answer because the question never should have been asked in the first place. The perpetrators are the guilty ones. Victims should not be the subject of derision, ridicule or blame. Victims should be offered support and counseling in order to understand that they are not to blame for the heinous actions of another.

As a society, we need to keep having these conversations or else this ugliness will continue.

This story was originally published November 20, 2014 at 10:52 AM with the headline "The conversations we must have about rape."