Kathleen Rowe-Glendon: It’s time to bring domestic violence discussion into the open

In the wake of the Village I tragedy, don’t you think it is time we had a discussion about domestic violence?

A recent viral Facebook video by a victim – her face bruised, battered, bathed in tears – detailed her abuse at the hands of her partner. She came forward because of her firm belief that her children did not deserve to grow up in a violent household. Sadly, this story is all too common, and recent events prove that children can become collateral damage.

The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence states that 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men have been abused at some point by their partners. On July 8 alone, according to the Stanislaus County Crime Mapping tool, there were eight spousal-abuse arrests. The Modesto Police Department crime mapping site showed 13 arrests during the first week of July alone. These only include actual arrests and police reports filed.

These figures are probably even higher due to the fact that many victims do not report.

Haven Women’s Center has been assisting domestic violence victims in our community since the 1970s. Demand has skyrocketed.

Last year, Haven provided assistance to more than 1,900 individuals and their families. The interim director of Haven, May Rico, said via email that “if we really want to help end domestic violence we need to shift our focus inward. Instead of asking why a victim stays, we can ask, ‘What am I doing that helps create an environment where people who use violence are able to continue without consequence?’”

She said our children “learn what things are meant to be kept in the dark and allowed to continue because it’s not our business.” She concluded: “One person at a time, we pull it into the light where it cannot live.”

Often victims have little or no familial support, a lack of housing and financial resources of their own; it makes them believe they cannot leave a violent situation. Section 8 housing in this county has a five-year waiting list and there is very little low-income housing available.

If the person is in the country illegally, it makes it even more difficult to report domestic violence.

It is heartrending that so many victims choose to stay in violent circumstances because of lack of support.

When that happens, the entire family is held hostage. One in 15 children are exposed to intimate-partner violence in their homes. Ninety percent of these children are actual eyewitnesses. That abuse is learned behavior, and is more about power and control, is often glossed over.

The aggressor sometimes threatens to take custody of the children, so the victim stays. It is called a “vicious cycle” for a reason.

According to the National Child Traumatic Stress Network, children learn that “it is acceptable to exert control or relieve stress by using violence, or that violence is linked to expressions of intimacy and affection.”

Many will gravitate toward abusive relationships; in some cases, they will become abusers themselves.

Trying to leave a violent relationship is dangerous. Many victims tiptoe around their abusers strictly out of self-preservation. Ironically, when the victim makes concrete escape plans to leave her abuser is when she is in the most danger of severe injury or even death.

Domestic violence is an equal-opportunity issue. It doesn’t discriminate and it occurs in every ethnicity, religion and economic stratum. It spans both age and sexual orientation. It has truly become a societal plague. We can no longer be bystanders. If we take an “ostrich” approach by trying to ignore this danger, we condone the behavior.

Love should not hurt or make anyone feel they are “less than.” We must take a stand and reinforce that it is wrong to hurt someone and say that you are doing it out of love. It is vital to educate our children that relationship violence is never OK. All of us must be willing to stand up and say “no more” to domestic violence.

This story was originally published July 21, 2015 at 1:41 PM with the headline "Kathleen Rowe-Glendon: It’s time to bring domestic violence discussion into the open."