Pamela Clemensen: Even if you’re not speaking, call your mother

“Call your mother. Tell her you love her. Remember, you’re the only person who knows what her heart sounds like from the inside.” – Author unknown

Many of you will be calling your mother tomorrow, on Mother’s Day.

And your mothers will be delighted to receive a phone call or a card. Gifts are special but really not necessary. (The barrage of commercialism and hype that pervades this holiday was clearly not the intent of founder Anna Jarvis). Just to hear her child’s voice is music to a mother’s ears. A handwritten, personal note warms a mother’s heart to the nth degree. A smile or a hug can make everything “right.”

On the other hand, there are some mothers who allegedly dread Mother’s Day, attesting that it is depressing or does not mean anything to them. Why? Because, unfortunately, there are some mothers who will not receive a call, card, hug or smile, nor any acknowledgment whatsoever on Mother’s Day. This heartbreaking disregard may be by some, or all, of their children.

The Internet abounds with examples of estrangement of adult children. Joshua Coleman, co-chair of the Council on Contemporary Families, runs a webinar for parents who want to improve relations with their adult children. He terms parent/adult child estrangement a “silent epidemic” – silent because “nobody wants to talk about it.”

Hence we might only be aware of it if someone confides their situation or if, perhaps, it happens to be you. Susan Kuczmarski, a teacher at Kellogg School of Management at Northwestern University and an expert on family relationships, attests that “because some of the stories are so tragic, a lot of people don’t share them.”

Such devastation is not hypothetical; it is alive (but not “well”). There are no boundaries; it permeates all socioeconomic levels.

So when some mothers say that Mother’s Day means little or nothing to them, it might be their way of protecting themselves from disappointment. A self-inflicted wall of protection might provide a personal safety net for the children’s lack of recognition that their mother exists.

The extremely unfortunate part is that this repudiation by children does not occur only on Mother’s Day, but every day. It’s just that on Mother’s Day it hurts even more.

Though Coleman purports that “divorce may be the single most common cause of family alienation,” some mothers might have no clear idea as to the real reason for the rift.

Lack of communication merely compounds their bewilderment. Risking the raw reality of rebuff, some mothers continue in their fruitless overtures or pleas to somehow reconnect and reconcile. Phone calls can result in being hung up on. If they know their estranged children’s address, mothers might write letters, which can be ultimately returned unopened.

After continual lack of any response in treading this one-way street, the ubiquitous notion of guilt may creep in and cloud perception. Hence, all too often mothers blame themselves, thinking it was something they did or should have done better or differently. At a loss and dejected, some might resort to Facebook to get a glimpse of their children, whom they might not have seen for years, or grandchildren, whom they may never have seen or held.

The Experience Project hosts an online support group for parents of disaffected children who anonymously share their tragedies. Notably, Linda Bernstein, of the Columbia School of Journalism, attests “the stories are heart wrenching – no matter how old the children, the parents want them back in their lives.”

Winston Churchill, well acquainted with crises, avidly asserted “never, never, never give up.” Applying that perseverance to the ongoing crisis of estrangement, Kuczmarski maintains: “Never give up on your child. The next communication might be the one that sparks a reconnection.”

This story was originally published May 6, 2015 at 6:38 PM with the headline "Pamela Clemensen: Even if you’re not speaking, call your mother."