`Fear and madness.’ A mother’s heartfelt cry from Modesto’s sister city in Ukraine
Nadia Boretska is a graphic artist and teacher in Khmelnytskyi, Modesto’s sister city in Ukraine. She befriended Betty Ann Vencill at a 2004 International Festival hosted by Modesto Junior College, and Vencill and her husband, William Bishop, saw Nadia and her family in trips to Khmelnytskyi (say mel-NIT-ski) in 2005 and 2006.
Although Khmelnytskyi has not suffered atrocities like other cities since Russia invaded Ukraine on Feb. 24, one feels the terror of war — and a relentless pursuit of inner peace — in the messages Nadia has exchanged with Betty Ann since, edited by William and me for space and clarity.
Feb. 26
We are shocked, shocked. Everything stopped. People are running. Fear and horror. I have nowhere to run. (My son) Vadim urgently left for the army and defense. Heavy news. We pray: Save us. Help us. The Antichrist has come to our land to kill us.
I draw angels. I want people to become kinder, more merciful. So much rudeness and cruelty. And the nature around is so beautiful. Snowdrops bloom, birds begin to sing. Spring will soon bring new life. Why kill each other? What for? Enough space for everyone. I’m crying.
Two cars just arrived and people with machine guns ran to a neighboring house. Vadim said that I should not turn on the light in the evening.
I need to find a bomb shelter. I have a basement. I don’t know how long I can sit there in the cold and darkness.
March 1
I gave so many years of work with the hope that life would become easier, and it didn’t. The end has come. We are hostages of a conflict that will never end. (To them) we are dust. It’s like we don’t exist.
The siren “hide for cover immediately” sounded three times. 100 km from Khmelnitsky, the railway was bombed. I sat in (the) bathroom covered with a pillow for two hours.
March 2
Bombs and rockets are flying from Belarus. There are Russian troops. Roads are blocked by spikes and military men.
(My) son is here. Today the volunteers went to fight near Chernihiv. He didn’t go. He said “I would only go on orders. I have one mother. She needs help.” His life is dearer to me than mine. I do not know how to be.
(And then my) son was taken away urgently. He’s under (military) oath. He is on patrol with a machine gun. Catches saboteurs in the city.
Should we flee?
March 4
People go out with their bare hands against the tanks. They can only whistle and swear.
March 5
The worst week of my life. I could never imagine that this could happen.
I prayed and cried for a long time and asked the mother of God and Jesus to forgive and protect us, to save our families.
Thank you for your compassion and support. It protects us like a shield. God bless you wonderful people.
It’s 3 a.m. I tried to sleep. The siren howled and I hid.
I wrote a letter to the mayor about whether he can transfer (my) son to work in the mayor’s office. It’s a faint hope, but I want to use every opportunity to help him. I can’t go (on) without my son.
Vadim told me to prepare the car. I will do so. I called my friends in Lvov and they said that I could come, and then to Poland. There are very long queues at the border. Kharkov was bombed, a huge city of a million people. Kharkov is no more.
Vadim draws (art) in the army. My little genius, a young, handsome man. He is such a patriot. So clean, so beautiful. I put so much effort into him, gave him all my talent. He has just begun to live. My God, why is all this happening to us? Why?
How difficult it is to leave your home where you’ve lived all your life. It seems to me that I’m dreaming, (that) I’ll wake up and everything will be as before.
We hope all this madness ends. People are confused. We are disoriented. It is impossible to believe what is happening. The news doesn’t fit in my head.
Hiding with cats
March 6
I found a solution. My girlfriend lives on a farm, far from the main roads. They are quiet. I told her that if it becomes difficult in the city, then I will come to her house and I will have two cats with me. She happily agreed.
There is a line of (vehicles) 20 kilometers (long) at the border. Hype and panic. I’m afraid. I can’t do it.
I hope God doesn’t leave me.
Thank you, people — the sanctions helped a lot. Thank you for your concern. This is moral support for me. I’m not so alone, with you.
March 7
My cousin’s granddaughter and her mother live in Podolsk near Moscow. They wanted to come to us, and now they can’t. My nephew is in the (Russian) army. Everything is very connected. This makes it even harder. It’s like cutting off your hand, or a leg. Everything has become one big pain. A great, beautiful family. Horrible dream. They sit quietly and are afraid.
I will (love) them to the ends of the earth. They are wonderful, kind, hardworking people. Maybe God will help us.
March 11
The air raid alarm howled and I hid, my cats with me. I sat in the shelter for two hours and now there is an air raid again. She howls unbearably.
They bombed an airfield near the city of Vinnytsia, 100 kilometers from our city. When a siren wails, it means that a rocket is flying in our direction. All that is happening is fear and madness.
Tired of being afraid
March 12
My son came. There was little time, only three hours. Washed, shaved, hugged. Tears on eyes. He said that he missed me and his home. He said he was not ready for war.
How he didn’t want to leave. I saw a pale and nervous face. He said that they could be transferred to Kyiv. He cannot refuse.
March 13
I’m tired of being afraid. This is my battle cry.
I called my friend and asked why didn’t you go to Poland? Her son bought a flat in Krakow. She says, “There must be someone here. We will go to the square and (protest).”
(We’re) tired. Not afraid. This is my home, my parents’ house. Not afraid. I will bite my teeth and nails. Not afraid. Tired of being afraid.
(Putin) bombards vilely at night when people are sleeping. Criminal, coward. Ahead of himself, he sent young guys by deceit. It’s disgusting. Well, we’ll see how things turn around. It will all come back to him. Shame on you rascals.
March 14
The weather is getting warmer. We drew spring online with the children, and I forgot (about war) for an hour.
But I can’t sleep at night. I watched the news and wrote all sorts of nasty things and called (Putin) swear words.
I am crying. I can’t hear about these Russians anymore. I want to leave Ukraine forever. I can’t hear more about what they do. It’s hard to sit within four walls and wait for a rocket to fall on your head. I spent the whole night listening to all the sounds. I want to sell everything and leave forever. This war will never end.
I thought I was strong, but I wasn’t. It’s all just unreal. I try to be strong, to think straight. I hope this madness comes to an end. I hope we stay alive. I pray for the world.
`What they do is beyond words’
March 15
Refugees from Kharkov came to our house.
I watch the news, I swear, I draw. Today I took my drawings to the military unit. They said they would hang it in the dining room for everyone to see.
March 17
At night again, the air raid alert. I didn’t hide. It’s exhausting.
The wild people have come. What they do is simply beyond words. Tanks (crush) cars with people.
March 18
Lord, save and have mercy on us sinners.
I want to draw a cover for a book about the war. I will try.
Our (military) boys are badass. They showed the Russian guys. The guys say they wanted to shoot each other in the legs in order to get to the hospital and not go further to certain death. It’s terrible what’s going on.
March 19
I went to (see) Vadim. We met, hugged, drank coffee, talked. They are transferring to another place.
The sirens howled one after another. We need to close the sky. So you need to close the sky.
I am a peaceful person, an artist. I need to paint. I only read about the war in books and thought that this would never happen.
Helping refugees
March 21
The air raid today prevented me from painting with the children. All spoiled.
I try to do the usual things in order to somehow maintain my balance and stability. I count the days and hours. I hear the beat of my heart. The unknown and the news are just terrifying.
Are these people? Putin is a bastard. And the officers? Do they have brains, or no families? They don’t know that people are sleeping. I have no words. I can’t understand it. They grew up in families where they talked about the horrors of the second world war. How can they forget?
March 22
Our showroom is now a huge hall for the issuance of clothing to refugees. The poor come and can choose everything they need. Things are brought from all over, both new and worn. I helped hang clothes. Tired.
March 23
I taught a drawing class with refugee children. Lovely little children. We drew an Easter egg postcard.
March 24
I am afraid and angry. I try to help refugees. Khmelnitsky was blocked off with sandbags, a lot of guards with machine guns. You can’t go out in the evening. I try to do everything in the morning. We are afraid of the sky.
March 27
Yes, sure, if anyone is interested then I will be glad (if these notes appear in the newspaper).
My son has come. Now I set the table as if it were a holiday. You know that my son is the most precious thing to me.
Vadim took the tattoo machine with him, will (tattoo) the guys’ blood type on (their) hands. Says he has food, sleeps on mattresses in sleeping bags. It doesn’t look bad.
I was so scared the first few days. You saved the first days with your letters. I was not alone, you were with me. Tears on eyes. Thank you, my dear. I feel your warmth.
`Complete Armageddon’
March 28
We don’t have snow now. Flower beds, tulips, daffodils just start to wake up.
My paintings help people to live. They hug me, they are so happy. I was pleased.
A lot of people are now (missing). Such messages – “Dad was lost from Poltava, help me find (him).” Complete Armageddon.
I drove the car for the first time in a month. I feel like a robot, from stress. Hands do not want to obey me.
March 29
There were two explosions in the city and an air raid. I quickly collected all the documents, until I know what to do. The people in the cars left. I’m shaking all over. They called me that they were bombing us. Oh Lord. (Although) it’s quiet, I’m definitely not going to sleep.
You can draw everything: pain, fear, love, happiness. I try to draw good, because thoughts are material and what the artist draws multiplies her thoughts like circles on the water.
April 2
I spent half the night in the bathroom. This is my bomb shelter. The bathroom is a monolithic block and there is no glass, so at least some kind of protection. I went to bed when the alarm was canceled. It was already dawn. I managed to get some sleep.
Then came Vadim. Released, and he can spend the night for the first time in the entire war. For joy, I arranged a culinary feast.
April 3
The (migrating) cranes arrived. Poor cranes — they have nowhere to fly. Their (nesting grounds) are no more, only ruin.
My friend from Kherson says at the zoo the deer are so afraid of explosions that they beat their muzzles against the wall.
April 4
The (birds) fly, they fly home. Is there a home for them? Their home is no more. Only ruin.
