Forget blame game after senseless murder. But do something before if you see these signs
When something happens as unbelievably awful as the senseless murder of a young, innocent person, we want to blame someone. We need to blame someone.
When a young man stalks a co-worker who’s resisting his romantic advances, then torches her Honda Civic, and also burns her mother’s SUV, and finally is arrested, our impulse is to say, “Good. It looks like the system is working.”
If he’s released, gets a gun a few months later and kills her, we say, “The system isn’t working. Something went wrong.”
That’s where I found myself recently, after Juan Ibarra-Tapia allegedly gunned down in Turlock a young woman he wanted to be with in a tragedy defying any sense of rational thought. Zoe Esquerra, 22, didn’t want to be with him. Now she’s dead, and he turned 23 behind bars and facing a possible death sentence.
So what went wrong?
First, don’t you dare blame the victim. In no sense is her death her fault. At one point, Esquerra obtained an emergency protective order against Ibarra-Tapia lasting a week. The next step — a temporary restraining order — lasts longer, but we all know how effective a piece of paper is at deflecting bullets.
“I feel like I am next,” she told a police officer in eerie foresight, in October.
Don’t blame her family, either. Many victims don’t have the level of support enjoyed by Esquerra, whose loved ones — knowing something was off with Ibarra-Tapia — followed and confronted him, leading to his arrest for stalking, vandalism and arson. Her family went above and beyond.
At first, I thought the judicial system should bear some blame. How could authorities release a madman among us? Why wasn’t his $50,000 bail raised, perhaps to a level his parents couldn’t afford? Why do authorities assign the same $50,000 bond to a guy following a woman around as someone whose deranged obsession over months escalates into torching two vehicles?
I’m not convinced authorities did everything right. But let’s be honest: they followed the bail schedule in Merced County — the victim and the accused both lived and worked in Livingston, although she was murdered in Stanislaus County — and predicting what a disturbed person might do is tricky and can violate legal rights. “Lock ’em up and throw away the key” simply cannot be the solution to every problem.
Does keeping someone behind bars force him to contemplate the error of his ways? Or does it give him more time to stew in anger and plot his next move? Also, Esquerra was murdered March 8, five months after her stalker’s release.
“The sole answer is not with the legal system,” agreed May Rico when I called, looking for something — anything — to make sense of this horrific story. She is the executive director of the Haven women’s shelter in Modesto; few know as much about domestic violence and possible ways to ward it off.
When someone we care about talks of hurting another, Rico said, do we brush it off?
An abuser often portrays himself as the one who has been wronged. Do we roll our eyes and hope he’ll get over it?
Too often, “we don’t want to make a big deal out of nothing,” Rico said. “But we really do have opportunities to intervene, to say, `It’s not OK, what you’re doing. Back off. She said no — it’s done. Leave it be.’”
Getting help in Stanislaus County
Someone reading this column, Rico said, knows someone else whose obsession has turned dark, whether in conversation or vandalism or more. If either is you, it’s time to get help.
Call the Haven’s crisis hot line, 209-577-5980, if peril is imminent. Or try Sierra Vista Child & Family Services, which offers help to offenders and families, at 209-523-4573. In Merced County, try Valley Crisis Center at 209-725-7900.
You might see whether your high school has checked into the Haven’s HARRT program, which helps teens understand healthy relationships.
“Once we’re willing to look at the messages and make an intentional decision to question behavior, that’s when we start to see changes,” Rico said.
Do what you can to help someone you love — whether perpetrator or victim. Maybe your care and your words can keep something heartbreaking from happening.
Every life is precious. Once taken, no amount of the blame game will bring it back.
