Stay-home guidelines can hurt, if that’s where your abuser is
You and I know someone who is afraid of being slapped or hit or worse by someone who is supposed to love that person.
Usually, abuse happens at home — the very place all of us are supposed to stay, to avoid spreading the coronavirus.
With the economy in ruins and record unemployment, abusers are more likely than ever to be home. The one respite that victims previously relied on — the hours their abuser was away at work — in many cases is gone.
In normal times, children also found respite at school, where educators are required to report any signs of abuse. That’s no longer the case.
It might be worse if someone in the adult relationship is not getting paid — again, quite likely these days. External stressors can light the fuse to a powder keg.
Reports of increases in domestic violence under stay-home guidelines are pouring in. Of 22 law enforcement agencies polled by NBC News, 18 described an uptick, similar to reports coming from Asia and Western Europe where COVID-19 got a foothold earlier than here.
Closer to home, Sacramento Police Chief Daniel Hahn on Wednesday told KCRA 3 News that domestic violence is on the rise there.
Some police departments have not recorded the same trend, including New York City and here in Modesto. But Modesto Police Chief Galen Carroll told me Wednesday he is in no mood for premature celebrating.
Neither is May Rico, executive director of Haven Women’s Center of Stanislaus. Just because victims aren’t reporting domestic violence doesn’t mean it’s not happening, both she and the chief said.
“Our biggest concern is the ones we’re not hearing from because they don’t feel safe contacting us,” Rico said. She’s worried that a victim in these pandemic days has less opportunity to call for help, with her abuser always hanging around.
She does know that clients — the Haven helps 2,000 victims a year — aren’t terribly pleased with new distancing rules the Haven has been forced to adopt, including practically no in-person contact. Counselors continue helping abused adults and children by telephone and computer conferencing. But calls drop and connections can go bad. And some victims will never be comfortable talking at home, where angry ears can hear what’s being said, and controlling eyes can see what’s being typed.
About 1 in 3 women suffer some type of physical or sexual abuse; for men, it’s 1 in 6. Abuse knows no ethnic or income boundaries. If we think it can’t or doesn’t happen in our family or circle of friends, we’re fooling ourselves.
If it’s happening to you or someone you love, please get help. Call one of these resources: the Haven’s hotline is 209-577-5980, and Stanislaus County’s crisis hotline is 209-558-4600. If you don’t live in this county, call the national hotline at 800-799-7233, or Safe Horizon’s hotline, 800-621-4673.
Rico has two messages for people who know about or suspect mistreatment. First, reach out to the victim. Ask how she’s doing. Give her opportunities to share. Don’t push; remember that her abuser might be within earshot, or even monitoring her texts. Even if she doesn’t directly ask for help, she’ll take strength from knowing that someone cares.
Don’t be offended at my use of pronouns. Women do abuse men, although usually it’s the other way around, and local statistics back this up: in domestic violence reports taken by Modesto police, 77% of victims are women. But certainly, all these words still apply when genders are reversed.
Second, consider reaching out to the suspected abuser. Not to accuse or condemn, but to defuse. Ask how he’s doing. Just talking with someone from outside the home, in these times of isolation, can provide a release.
“We spend a lot of time not paying attention” to badness, Rico said. “We don’t want to ask questions; we don’t want to get involved. But you don’t have to bring it (abuse) up. Just call. Say, `This staying at home kind of sucks, doesn’t it? Here’s how I relax.’ Be a sounding board for something that’s getting ready to blow.
“Maybe (because of you),” she said, “it doesn’t.”
