Talking with children about violence

“I don’t know.”

That’s an honest and acceptable answer for parents to give children who ask how someone could perpetrate the violence that occurred in a Modesto neighborhood Saturday.

“Parents don’t have to know all the answers,” said May Rico, interim executive director of Haven Women’s Center in Modesto. “You always wonder, ‘How can this type of act be something a person views as being in the realm of what they’re capable of doing?’ I don’t know there ever is an explanation that would make sense to someone who doesn’t think that way.”

The news that five people – two adults and three small children – were killed on Nob Hill Court in the Village I area is online, on front pages, on television and on social-media platforms. Many children are learning of it and may or may not be asking questions. Either way, it’s important to help kids process what they’ve seen and heard about the violence, Rico and other experts say.

“Know that children want to be trusted with age-appropriate truth,” said Erin Nelson, executive director of Jessica’s House, a Turlock-based support program for grieving children. Kids may get inaccurate information from other children or online, so it’s important they hear from their parents.

Before that conversation, though, adults should go through a dry run of sorts among themselves, Nelson said. They should have an awareness of their own feelings and “find a way to express your concern with another adult first. Remember that children watch adults’ reactions and take their cues from them.”

Rico agreed, stressing that adults need to process the information with one another, away from the ears of children, so as not to unintentionally pass on anxieties. “For parents, it’s scary. ... Children will pick up on that,” she said. “They know when something’s not right, and they want to help fix it. They’re very sensitive to disturbances.”

When talking with children, let them guide the pace, said Holly Grace Palmer, youth services coordinator with Haven. “We sometimes have a tendency to provide too much.” Perhaps start by asking children what they’ve heard, what they know, Nelson said. Ask them what they think, or if they have any questions.

“They really like concrete language, and language they’re familiar with,” Nelson said. “People die in all kinds of ways, but we’re sometimes afraid to say it.” Children need to know that people just don’t up and die, Nelson said. It’s better for them to be told about sickness, accidents and homicides – “But always assure them that something like this is rare” – than to think there’s no rhyme or reason to death. “It takes the guesswork out of it for them.”

Regarding a murder, “maybe all you say is ‘They died from a gun.’ You don’t need to go into detail,” she said.

It’s important to give space and time to process grief and ask questions, which will differ for every child, Rico said. They may not want to talk about it at all initially, and then questions may come seemingly out of the blue later. “Children need to be able to feel what they feel in the way they choose,” she said. “They can’t be told by an adult how they should feel.”

The reaction likely will be different for a child who’s never seen parents or other adults even raise their voices toward one another, compared with a child who’s witnessed verbal or physical abuse in her own home, Palmer said. When adults exhibit abusive behavior, she added, it’s important that they “own it and try to control that behavior” and try to get help.

This story was originally published July 21, 2015 at 1:29 PM with the headline "Talking with children about violence."