Grieving during COVID: Death of Turlock High freshman hits especially hard
The death of a child is a tragedy, and Turlock High is going through that after a freshman died last week.
Classmates, friends, family and the community are grieving.
“We’re working with school administrators and have resources to help them to talk about death,” said Erin Nelson, executive director of Jessica’s House, a Turlock-based nonprofit organization that provides grief support for youth and their families.
Nelson said Jessica’s House counselors are in transition of returning to in-person services and they are available for virtual support to bring students together to deal with their grief, for example to facilitate a memorial ceremony.
“If a classmate dies, it may be the first time a child experiences death,” said Nelson. “They may ask, ‘Can it happen to me?’”
She said kids may “conjure up images” about dying to fill in the blanks about death, because their brains need that. A helpful tool is to let them know that’s a normal reaction, and to reassure them things will return to normal and there’s help to cope with intense emotions.
Grieving without in-person school
Mourning during COVID-19, with the need for social distancing, is even harder for youth than during usual times. Support of friends, family and peers may be lacking and access to school counselors and other mental health resources may only be available remotely.
“With COVID, there are so many unknowns,” Nelson said. “Unknowns add extra stress and it’s (happening) without the surrounding support that we usually have in our daily lives.”
Some adolescents are not comfortable talking to counselors via video conferencing, as noted by Denair High senior Estefany Flores last month when discussing the effects of the pandemic on school.
“I should probably talk to someone,” said Flores, 18. “...It’s really hard to open up to strangers. I’m more for in-person.”
Nelson said it’s helpful for educators to remember that students may not be sleeping well or have behavior changes, so incorporating coping skills into the day can help. Sensory activities such as breathing exercises, physical exercises or nature experiences may help students regulate their emotions.
Stanislaus County Behavioral Health Services Agency staff have been working closely with school districts to ensure access to mental health services during the pandemic, but availability of resources doesn’t guarantee that students will reach out for help.
“Normalize going for help,” said Nelson. “Having a trusted, caring adult who will listen is a way of building a home team.”
She said adolescence is already a time of feeling different and alone, so having an adult listen without judgment helps build resiliency and knowledge that they can ask for help.
In posting news of the student’s death on its Facebook page Tuesday, Turlock Unified School District noted, “The cause of death has not yet been determined by the authorities. We are aware that information circulating may include a suicide death.”
The post added that suicide is “very complicated” and typically not the result of one single thing. The district urged students who are “not feeling well in any way” to seek help.
When there are concerns of suicide as the cause of a student’s death, adults should speak openly, while respecting the family’s privacy. Adolescents are vulnerable to the risk of suicide contagion — that is, “copycat” suicides.
For example, if a student is already struggling with mental health issues and then loses a peer to suicide, the risk of self-harm increases. With this concern, mental health professionals emphasize the importance of not inadvertently simplifying, glamorizing, or romanticizing the student or his or her death, including by the media.
The district is providing mental health clinicians and counseling staff to students over the coming weeks. Its post said that if a student needs immediate help, he or she should call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, 1-800-273-8255, call 911 or be taken to the nearest crisis center or emergency department.
TUSD followed up with a post Thursday about a free webinar at 5 p.m. April 7, “Suicide Prevention 101 for Parents: Recognizing Signs and What to Do.”
It will cover warning signs for suicide, how to have a conversation with a child and actions to take if a child is having a suicidal thoughts. For links on registering for the webinar and joining the livestream, see the district’s Facebook page.
Supporting grieving children and teens
The Dougy Center, the nation’s first grief center for youth, offers these suggestions:
- Talk to children and teens honestly — Start with a straightforward explanation of what is known, using appropriate language for the child’s age and development, but there is no need to provide specific details surrounding the death.
- Answer “Why?” — ‘Why did this happen?’ is a common question after the death of anyone, and answers are difficult. For example, with a death due to cancer, little is known about why a person is afflicted or why treatment didn’t succeed. For suicide deaths, there isn’t usually one reason, but layers of unbearable emotional pain, feeling hopeless and thinking death is the only way to stop hurting.
- Allow space for any reaction and emotions — A wide range of reactions, from withdrawal to angry outbursts, can occur for young people in mourning. Reassure children that it’s OK to have any feelings, and find ways for them to express those emotions in a safe manner.
- Maintain routines as best as possible, such as family dinners or school schedules.
- Funerals, memorials and celebrations of life — Most youth need some way to say goodbye and for some, rituals are comforting. For example with the death of a family member, consider asking children and teens how much they want to be involved in planning a service.
- Choose words carefully — Avoid talking about a person’s death from suicide in a manner that can add to the stigma. For example, the phrase “committed suicide,” implies a criminal act and shouldn’t be used. Preferred language includes “he died by suicide” or “she killed herself.”
- Seek extra help — For some youth and families, a grief support group provides the needed extra help, but others may benefit from consulting with a mental health professional.
Resources are available
Schools are often a major resource for distressed students, including the support of friends, trusted teachers, staff and counselors. During distance learning, most districts in the county have continued to offer counseling and mental health services, though primarily virtual. As school campuses are reopening, local districts are ramping up their mental health services, as a rise in demand is anticipated.
Turlock Unified has been offering “multiple avenues of support,” district spokeswoman Marie Russell said via email Thursday. The CARE (Clinical Assessment Resources Engagement) Program provides individual assessment and therapy, small-group support, parent and caregiver consultation, and referrals to community resources. CARE serves all school sites, Russell said, but when asked how many students are seeking aid, added, “Student referrals for support are confidential.”
Citing early intervention practices like the TOOLBOX social-emotional curriculum at the elementary level, Russell said, “We strive to provide support early and often, throughout students’ education.”
The past year has been a struggle for many students and adults alike, Russell said, and CARE has provided services throughout the pandemic, via telehealth and virtual group supports. The district also uses so-called “filtering technology,” which provides alerts when student comments suggest mental health concerns, she said.
Additionally, TUSD employs the FOCUS (Focusing on Children Under Stress) system through the Stanislaus County Office of Education, staff training that includes QPR (Question, Persuade, Refer), psycho-education and consultation with clinicians, Russell said.
Including suicide lifeline numbers on student ID cards is required by California law, and also helps to facilitate access for students in need.
If you or someone you know is considering harming themselves, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 and the crisis text line is 741741. If danger is imminent, dial 9-1-1.
Stanislaus County BHRS suicide prevention services are available 24/7, including local access to a community response team at 209-558-4600, and a warm line at 209-558-4600, which offers peer support for anyone struggling, but not in crisis. Additional information can be found at http://www.stancounty.com/bhrs/suicide-prevention.shtm
Information about Jessica’s House grief support groups can be found at https://www.jessicashouse.org/ or calling 209-250-5395.
The California Surgeon General’s “playbook” is posted on a new website, CalHope, with tips for all age groups to cope with the stresses of the pandemic.
This story was produced with financial support from The Stanislaus County Office of Education and the Stanislaus Community Foundation, along with the GroundTruth Project’s Report for America initiative. The Modesto Bee maintains full editorial control of this work. To help fund The Bee’s children’s health and economic development reporters with Report for America, go to bitly.com/ModbeeRFA
This story was originally published March 29, 2021 at 4:00 AM.
