People in crisis often don’t seek help

Stephen Mingham is said to have been overwhelmed by his domestic circumstances, including an adult daughter who needed constant care, a son with a criminal record who lived at home and possible financial problems.

Modesto detectives investigating the murder-suicide that occurred Thursday in the Minghams’ east Modesto home may never know what sparked the slayings. But some are led to believe the violence might have been prevented if Mingham had earnestly sought help for his troubles.

Mingham, a retired junior high wood-shop teacher, fatally shot his wife, Janet; their 33-year-old son, Chad Mingham; and 34-year-old daughter, Nicole Mingham, before turning the gun on himself.

People used words such as “loving,” “kind” and “friendly” to describe Stephen and Janet Mingham. But the couple evidently were under constant stress that affected the marriage: Their daughter required 24-hour care after suffering severe brain damage from a surgical complication. Chad Mingham, with a history of drug violations and theft, recently had been released from prison, and his behavior had been a strain on his parents, a family member said.

Stephen Mingham told a neighbor about his family problems and said he might explode one day, though that comment was not taken seriously.

Experts who run emergency hotlines say people in crisis often don’t reach out for help. “Sometimes you get caught up in a storm, and you don’t know you are in a crisis until you are in the middle of it,” said Ron Gilbert, director of adult services for Turning Point Community Programs. The group operates Stanislaus County’s 24-hour “warm line” for people who need emergency services for emotional problems.

Gilbert said he did not know the circumstances of the slaying last week and could not comment on it. Generally speaking, a person who’s in distress, and talks about erupting with violence, should be taken seriously. Tragedies can be averted if the person is able to talk with someone he or she trusts.

“People calling (the warm line) want to be heard and understood,” Gilbert said. “Our intent is not to give advice but hear them out and support them.”

Counselors on the noncrisis line will find out if callers are receiving services and assess them for resources that could help. Gilbert said the counselors will alert the county’s crisis intervention team or police about callers who threaten to harm others or themselves.

A percentage of calls received on crisis lines are from people concerned about a friend or family member. Counselors give them advice on how to encourage the friend or loved one to seek help and what support is available.

Eve Meyer, executive director of San Francisco Suicide Prevention, said a friend of someone who talks about exploding or committing violence should ask more questions, even they don’t take the comments seriously. It’s important to ask if the person has a plan for committing the act – and to make sure to use the word “plan,” said Meyer, who directs the nation’s oldest suicide prevention center.

“The second thing is, ask if they have a gun in the house and whether they would let you keep the gun until the crisis is over,” Meyer said. Also, give the person the toll-free number of the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, which connects to the nearest crisis center in California.

People in crisis who call a hotline are acknowledging they need help and are already taking a responsible step to avoid doing harm.

Meyer said the call takers usually are people who have been through personal or family crises themselves, so they can easily relate to callers. The friend also might suggest going with the person to talk with a counselor, minister or an athletic coach they trust, she said.

According to crisis centers, the vast majority of those who commit suicide don’t harm others but want to stop extremely negative emotions such as sadness, shame or fear.

Janet Nunez-Pineda, a manager overseeing Stanislaus County’s prevention and early intervention services, said peer support and other services are available for families who are stressed, including parents raising children with disabilities. A list of community support groups for everything from domestic abuse to young people with addictions is available at www.friendsaregoodmedicine.com.

Another resource is the National Alliance on Mental Illness group in Stanislaus County, which has support groups and helps people navigate the mental health system.

Domestic homicides also may stem from a history of violence in the home. Heather Graves, public information officer for the Modesto Police Department, said one prevention resource is a 24-hour domestic abuse hotline. Graves also suggested United Way’s 211 service. Dialing 211 connects the caller with an array of social services.

This story was originally published January 5, 2015 at 8:19 PM with the headline "People in crisis often don’t seek help."