No more water? What will we call the Lakers?

Some scientist claimed the other day that California has one year’s worth of water left. Notwithstanding the many assumptions he makes, I wondered what a post-water California would look like.

Upside: Reason to finally change the name of the Los Angeles Lakers to something more fitting: The Traffic Jams.

Downside: Los Angeles River looks exactly the same.

Upside: Edmund G. Brown Sr. Aqueduct becomes world’s longest skate park.

Downside: SeaWorld becomes SustainablePlantWorld.

Upside: Shamu finally has to get a job.

Downside: Delta smelt unionize and become public employees with full CalPERS pension rights.

Upside: No more Shrimp Boy.

Downside: “Keep Tahoe Blue” bumper stickers refer to spray-painting the lakebed.

Upside: We can go back to drinking as much sugary soda as we want.

Downside: “Waterworld” becomes most popular movie ever.

Upside: You want to fire the pool guy? Fire the pool guy.

Downside: Goodbye, Almond Joy.

Upside: O’Shaughnessy Dam comes down and Hetch Hetchy issue is solved.

Downside: You can’t cancel the flood insurance for six months.

Upside: Waiters don’t interrupt conversation at key moments with pesky water refills.

Upside: No legislators have to vote for a rainy day fund.

Upside: We can stop pretending Salton Sea is a sea.

Downside: Raging Santa Monica brush fires extinguished with 1989 Pouilly-Fuissé chardonnay.

Upside: Napa, Malibu and Lake Tahoe become much more affordable.

Downside: Evian: $4,500/bottle.

Upside: All water features 100 percent off.

Downside: Nude hot tub parties become nude middle-aged people standing-in-crate parties. (Sorry for the mind picture.)

Upside: Neighborhood water narcs have to go back to muttering about how you don’t properly maintain your dust and gravel garden.

Upside: Gin and vodka are very similar in appearance to water, and much cheaper.

Upside: You want to live on a sailboat, go live on a sailboat. There are 265,000 of them abandoned on the shoulder of I-80.

Upside: Complicated and boring Bay Delta Conservation Plan newspaper articles disappear.

Downside: New exhibit at Crocker Art Museum: “Watercolors: A Dead Medium.”

Downside: New exhibit at California History Museum: “State Government Water Coolers: A 100 Year Retrospective.”

Downside: 623 million chemical toilets.

Upside: The chemical toilets come in a wide variety of bold colors.

Downside: You can’t blame your stomach fat on “water weight gain.”

Upside: You won’t EVER die from drowning.

Upside: Huge money savings on water treatment facilities.

Upside: Learning to whitewater kayak is off your bucket list.

Upside: You can forget about the water in scotch and water.

Upside: No more water jokes.

The Sacramento Bee

This story was originally published March 25, 2015 at 10:55 PM with the headline "No more water? What will we call the Lakers?."