Haven Women’s Center of Stanislaus offers a safe place, shared wisdom for abuse survivors

How many times have you watched a couple argue, fearing it would come to blows right in the restaurant?

How many half-conversations have you stood next to in line, trying not to hear as whimpered explanations into the phone turned into tears and desperation?

Now, think of the children who live with those couples, depending on the adults in their lives to keep them fed, keep them safe.

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Abusive relationships harm everyone.

Haven Women’s Center of Stanislaus handles calls from abused partners, violence-scarred children and others coping with the lasting effects of unhealthy relationships past and present.

“We deal with intimate partner violence. That can be dating violence, teens especially – it’s definitely not just something that happens to everybody,” said Holly Grace Palmer, Haven youth services coordinator.

Their free, confidential information and advocacy extend from hospital emergency rooms to being at the elbow in court, to children’s support groups. Crisis response includes emergency shelter.

Haven has two offices, one in Modesto and another that opened in 2013 in Turlock, where there is a room specially made for kids.

Sitting in the warm teal space, Palmer spoke matter-of-factly of the four-point safety plan she lays out for children who live with violence or the aftermath of sexual assault.

1. When scared, go to a safer place. That sounds obvious, but when the choices are a screaming parent in the home or a next-door neighbor on drugs, she said, that becomes a more complicated decision.

2. Call 911 – do not get in the middle of the fight. Another tip she gives here: If you need to, stay hidden or say nothing, but stay on the line – just do not hang up.

3. Set personal boundaries, in the sense of protecting your own dignity and safety.

4. Talk to someone you trust. That might be a grandparent or a friend’s parent.

Now, think of the youngsters who need to memorize those four steps and figure out where to go, what to do, whom to trust.

It is those children whose art decorates the walls of the teal room, artfully graffitied with words like “Transform,” “Dream” and “Hope.” Branches of a tree reach out like arms in a hug from one corner. Child-size handprints serve as leaves.

One picture, hundreds of overlapping circular strokes of fiery color, writes “My anger is beautiful.” The work is from 6- to 11-year-olds, who “scribbled out their anger” as an intense, therapeutic moment that left them flushed and sweating.

“The room temperature rose 4 degrees while they did it,” said Palmer. Six kids. Six minutes. Four degrees. “It was incredible,” she said.

The programs focus on safety planning, anger management and learning how to have healthy relationships.

Another artistic exercise has children create a solar system with themselves as the sun and loved ones orbiting them as planets, with closeness a measure of trust. “Some will actually walk it across the room. Uncle Joe has to stay over there by himself. He’s not safe,” Palmer said.

Now, think of how important that safe, supportive space is for the children who most need to know they are not alone.

This story was originally published November 22, 2015 at 6:04 AM with the headline "Haven Women’s Center of Stanislaus offers a safe place, shared wisdom for abuse survivors."