Welcome to Miami, Super Bowl fans. Here’s Dave Barry’s official guide to South Florida
Dear Super Bowl Visitor,
Welcome to Miami! Or as we say down here in an expression that we use all the time because of our Latin culture: “¡Feliz Navidad!”
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That is our way of expressing how excited we are to once again be hosting the Super Bowl. The National Football League took it away from us for a few years, but we got it back by improving our stadium, upgrading our infrastructure and acquiring photographs of NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell naked with a llama.
Ha ha! We are joking. It was an ocelot. But the specific mammal doesn’t matter. What matters is, the Super Bowl is finally back in Miami where it belongs. Because this is a city that truly knows how to throw a party. We hosted 10 previous Super Bowls, and they were extremely festive events as measured by the number of arrests. And those were just the players!
But seriously, Super Bowl Roman Numeral 54 is going to be great, and Miami is ready to “roll out the red carpet” for you, our Super Bowl visitor. To make sure you have the best possible experience requiring the least possible amount of medical care, we’ve prepared the following Super Bowl Visitors Guide, filled with “insider tips” to help you enjoy your visit from the moment you arrive until the moment, possibly later that same day, when you run out of money:
WHERE TO STAY DURING THE SUPER BOWL
Miami has many world-class hotels with convenient locations, spacious rooms and modern amenities. All of these hotels are sold out. Maybe you can find something in Tampa.
GETTING AROUND BY PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION
Miami has a variety of mass-transit options, including Metrorail, Metromover and Tri Rail. You can probably use these to get around. We can’t say for certain because, like everyone else in Miami, we travel exclusively by car. Sometimes, when we’re sitting motionless in a traffic jam, we pause from texting to glance up at an elevated train whooshing past overheard, and we wonder where it’s going, and how a person might get up there and board it. Then we go back to sitting motionless in traffic.
DRIVING IN MIAMI
Miami’s roads are very congested. Fortunately our major highways have “express lanes,” which means that you can pay a special toll to sit motionless in a completely separate traffic jam from the poor people.
Wherever you drive in Miami, you should be aware that our driving practices are different from the ones in whatever normal place you came from:
▪ We do not signal turns or lane changes, because we need to keep our hands free at all times for texting. If you see a Miami motorist whose turn signal is on, that motorist is sending this message: “I am unaware that my turn signal is on.”
▪ We do not consider stop signs to be directed at us personally.
▪ We do not yield to pedestrians, because they are, by definition, walking, which means they should be physically capable of getting out of our way.
▪ We also do not yield to other drivers, because they would interpret this as a sign of weakness.
▪ We do not stop for traffic lights that have been red for less than ten seconds. We classify such lights as “recently yellow.”
▪ When the traffic light turns green, we do not go, because we need to finish our texts.
▪ Sometimes we find it necessary to back up on the interstate.
Whatever your driving destination, you must at all costs avoid the Golden Glades Interchange, because once you enter it there is no way to know where it will spit you out. Motorists attempting to get from I-95 to the Palmetto Expressway have wound up as far away as Cleveland.
Also be advised that, for security reasons, every street in Coral Gables is named “Caramba.”
DINING IN THE MIAMI AREA
Miami has a world-renowned dining scene, with plenty of famous and trendy restaurants. But why not break away from the crowd and try something different? We recommend a little-known, out-of-the-way spot — a hidden gem even many locals have never heard of — called “Joe’s Stone Crab.” It’s a friendly mom-and-pop operation with a relaxed, low-key vibe. The meat loaf is to die for. Literally. They will threaten to kill you if you order it. But they are just kidding around. They are big kidders at Joe’s.
NOTE: If, when you arrive at Joe’s, there is a long line of people waiting to be seated, simply march to the front and explain that you are a tourist visiting from out of town. You will be whisked to your table immediately. All that is expected from you in return is a smile. For that is the Joe’s way.
LOCAL DELICACIES YOU SHOULD TRY
You definitely need to try croquetas (pronounced “croquetas”). These are little breaded cylinders containing ham or chicken. Or ocelot. It doesn’t matter what specific meat they contain; they are delicious. They are the Official Finger Food of Miami. If, on New Year’s Eve, we wanted to ring in the new year by dropping an object that was truly representative of our city, we would drop a giant croqueta. At a typical social gathering we can easily consume upward of 250 croquetas. And that is per person.
Another famous local delicacy is whole roast pig done Cuban style, which is absolutely delicious. Or so we have been told. We always end up leaving before the pig is ready, because the cooking process takes forever. As far as we know, no traditional Cuban-style pig has ever been roasted all the way to completion. This is one reason why we consume so many croquetas.
MIAMI MUSEUMS AND CULTURAL SITES
Please. You are not here to visit museums and cultural sites. You are here to eat too much and get dangerously sunburned and party at a Miami Beach club where your bar tab will exceed your child’s college tuition.
THE BEST TIME TO VISIT MIAMI BEACH
We strongly recommend that you go at low tide.
PARKING IN MIAMI BEACH
VISITING THE EVERGLADES
If you’re a nature lover, you’ll definitely want to visit the Everglades, a unique and fascinating ecosystem that is being rapidly consumed by Burmese pythons the length of UPS trucks. Rest assured that this is nothing for you, the Super Bowl visitor, to worry about. According to the U.S. National Park Service, “the chances of your being eaten by a python are less than 40 percent, unless you are wearing provocative clothing.” So get out there and have fun!
WHAT TO DO IF YOU SEE ANY SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITY
Listen, this is Miami. ALL activity here is suspicious.
THINGS TO DO IN BROWARD COUNTY
There might be things to do in Broward County. Nobody we know has ever gone there.
ATTENDING THE GAME
The Super Bowl will be played in what is named, at the moment, Hard Rock Stadium. It was previously known as (these are all actual former names of our stadium) New Miami Stadium, Sun Life Stadium, Land Shark Stadium, Dolphin (singular) Stadium, Dolphins (plural) Stadium, Pro Player Stadium, Pro Player Park and Joe Robbie Stadium. For $50, we will name this stadium after you for 15 minutes.
Pregame traffic will be very heavy, so allow plenty of time to travel to the stadium. We’re talking three days. If God forbid you find yourself in the Golden Glades interchange, you should abandon your vehicle and walk.
Security at the stadium will be very tight. You will not be admitted unless you know the password (“ocelot”). You are prohibited from bringing any of the following items into the stadium: guns, knives, swords, machetes, spears, pitchforks with more than three prongs, boomerangs, nunchucks, throwing axes, golf clubs, chopsticks, kebab skewers, torpedoes, land mines or incisors longer than 20 millimeters. Flamethrowers are OK if you have a note from a physician.
All underwear, including brassieres, must be worn on the outside of your clothing. While inside the stadium you may not clench your fists, grimace excessively or make karate noises such as “hi-yah!” During the fourth quarter nobody will be allowed to enter or leave the bathrooms.
The important thing is to have fun.
A SPECIAL WELCOME MESSAGE TO SUPER BOWL VISITORS FROM THE MIAMI CITY COMMISSION
Unfortunately, the Miami city commissioners were unable to agree on a welcome message.
This story was originally published January 21, 2020 at 9:03 AM with the headline "Welcome to Miami, Super Bowl fans. Here’s Dave Barry’s official guide to South Florida."