‘A very unique grief’: How Turlock nonprofit can help families cope with COVID loss
Jessica Holt of Turlock lost her mother, Emmy Macfarlane, a previously healthy 76-year-old, to COVID-19 in the ICU at Memorial Medical Center on Sept. 11.
But, Holt said it could’ve been worse, because at least she was able to hold her mom’s hand when she died. Because of the contagiousness of coronavirus, its victims often die in ICU beds attached to wires and ventilators and without loved ones by their side. Holt’s case was a rare exception.
Holt, a transitional kindergarten teacher at Medeiros Elementary School, wanted to help her two children with the loss of their dearly loved “Grammy”. Holt and her husband, Jeff, have a son, Garrett, 12, and a daughter, Lauren, 10.
“As a teacher I was aware of Jessica’s House because they had previously worked on our campus with students suffering through loss,” said Holt. “So, when we were going through all of this, I had contacted them for my kids.”
Jessica’s House launched a dedicated support group for families grieving a loved one due to COVID-19 last fall. The Holts were one of the first families to join the group. A total of seven is now taking part.
“When we realized that this (COVID-19) was a very unique grief, we knew we had to respond,“ said Erin Nelson, founder and director of Jessica’s House.
The family’s struggle
Macfarlane, a retired teacher in Denair, had a protracted illness with atypical symptoms of COVID-19 with diarrhea and dehydration starting in mid-August. On Aug. 27, she had a brain hemorrhage and couldn’t breathe on her own.
She had to be put on a ventilator.
“That began the ordeal of having my mom in the ICU and I couldn’t talk to her,” said Holt. “I couldn’t see my mom and all I could do was FaceTime.”
The coronavirus attacked Macfarlane’s blood vessels. Her hospital course continued on a roller coaster, at times improving, getting off the ventilator, and then back on due to additional brain bleeds. Finally, blood clots damaged her lungs until there was no hope for recovery. Her family followed her wishes and took her off the ventilator.
Holt describes her mom as her best friend and strongest advocate, and the grief as unrelenting for her and the kids.
Macfarlane saw Holt’s two children almost every day and was involved in their school activities and sports.
“She just made everything really very special for them and they adored her,” said Holt.
She said her children are coping differently in that Garrett is very vocal in expressing his emotions and Lauren prefers to do things to work through her grief.
For example, Lauren wanted to create a memorial for her grandma, so they made one in their backyard, but Garrett readily talks about his sadness.
“It’s really hard for us, because me and my grandma and the whole family were really close,” Garrett said. “It’s really hard to go to her house, because I miss her so much. I can’t believe I don’t get to hug her ever again.”
Children and adolescents deal with grief differently than adults. Their age and developmental stage influence how they cope, according to The Dougy Center, a national resource for grieving youth and families, based in Portland, Oregon.
For some youth, additional help, such as support groups or professional therapists, may be necessary. That’s where Jessica’s House comes in.
Helping young people process grief
Jessica’s House opened in 2012 to provide resources and grief support to young people, generally ages 3 to 25, and their families grieving the loss of a loved one. The organization is patterned after The Dougy Center, and their services are free and open to all. They also have Spanish language support groups.
Pioneering families including Nelson, who had two young children when her husband died suddenly, and The Everetts, parents of Jessica, the center’s namesake who died of leukemia at age 9, started Jessica’s House in a partnership with Emanuel Medical Center.
Their philosophy is that everyone grieves in their own way, but they shouldn’t do it alone.
“People heal so much better when they have a very similar story and they know they aren’t alone,” said Nelson.
Their approach for the COVID-19 support group is a little different than their other groups, because it targets adult caregivers, mostly parents, of children. For the other groups, grieving children are usually the primary participants, with parents as secondary beneficiaries.
Nelson said when someone dies from COVID-19, as opposed to an illness such as terminal cancer, people don’t have a chance to have end-of-life conversations.
“We get to say things like ‘I love you,’ ‘Thank you,’ ‘I’m sorry,’ and ‘Please forgive me’,” said Nelson. “All of those end-of life conversations help to anchor us in our healing.”
Nelson said often people dying from COVID-19 are separated from loved ones because the coronavirus is contagious and it’s not safe to be together, and “this complicates the grief process.”
Isolation is another complication of grieving during the pandemic, because mourners don’t have the chance to get comfort from friends, neighbors or their community.
Holt said, “When a disease like this takes someone you love, you can’t shield yourself from it, because it’s everywhere. It’s impacted every part of my life – my job, not being able to see my family that also loved my mom. I can’t grieve with them in person.”
She said she gains something from every support group session that helps her process her grief.
COVID-19 support group
The adult peer group including a trained facilitator meets using Zoom videoconferencing. They discuss all aspects of their grief, such as emotional and logistics, and then they help their children. Most of the adults have lost a parent but some have lost a spouse. Thus, most of the kids have lost a grandparent, though a few have lost a parent.
The kids participate in therapeutic art activities, which are commonly used for youth grief groups, though these are currently being done via Zoom. The kids receive art packets in the mail or they can pick them up at Jessica’s House.
“It’s helped me quite a bit,” said Garrett. “We get together and do fun things. ... Each session we make arts and crafts about our different parts of grief.”
Garrett liked a holiday ornament project where they placed different colors of strings inside an ornament, with each string representing a different emotion.
“Blue equals sad, red is for anger and black is depression,” said Garrett, “I put every color in there because I feel extremely sad.”
He said even though he hasn’t met the other kids in person, “they’re kinda like friends.”
Nelson hopes with completion of the new Jessica’s House facility next spring, the pandemic will allow them to convene in-person sessions, at least in the large outdoor areas.
“We really hope if it’s safe, we can welcome families in the summer, and when hopefully things are a little bit better, we can do some outside things, “ said Nelson.
Holt said, even virtually, Jessica’s House has been a huge source of comfort for her and her family.
“Just to know there are people out there that care and will support you and your kids, “ said Holt. “As adults it’s one thing and it’s hard, but providing support to kids that’s a whole other level.”
Garrett also said Jessica’s House has been a big help to him and his sister, because they talk to other kids going through the same thing, so he knows they’re not alone.
“Garrett always says ‘Mom, we’ll get through this, we have each other,’” said Holt. “... Jessica’s House is a part of that.”
For additional information about Jessica’s House COVID-19 support group or to make a donation, visit https://www.jessicashouse.org/ or call 209- 250-5395.
This story was produced with financial support from The Stanislaus County Office of Education and the Stanislaus Community Foundation, along with the GroundTruth Project’s Report for America initiative. The Modesto Bee maintains full editorial control of this work.
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This story was originally published January 5, 2021 at 5:00 AM.
