Pat Clark

Earworm alert: Nano ad a no-no for the brain

One, two, three, four, tell me that I never -- ever -- have to bear that obnoxious iPod Nano commercial again.

It's seriously threatening to ruin all my good feelings about football Sundays.

The latest in Apple's "hip" iPod TV spots features what has to be one of the world's most bland songs and one of the worst little video dance bits to hit our television screens since MTV, circa the Pat Benatar years.

The iPod singer even wears a strapless glittery blue jumpsuit. A jumpsuit! Glittery! It's just got bad '80s juju written all over it.

I didn't really want to know who the singer is -- I don't need to put a name to the nausea -- but I went ahead and Googled the thing, anyway. Turns out the person wrecking my gridiron moments calls her band Feist, named for herself, of course, Leslie Feist.

The offending tune is, indeed, called

"1 2 3 4" and they run the spot constantly during NFL games. Constantly.

On top of delivering saccharine in the form of song, our friend Leslie either can't count or has such poor lyrical skill that she's resorted to butchering basic numerics for the sake of rhyme. The song goes on to include the phrase "five, six, nine, 10."

Seven and eight either are highly insulted or relieved that they aren't involved.

I also found out that people on various blogs seem to love the song and the video.

Maybe it's just me. Heck, maybe you even love this song. But the thing just gets in my head, earworm style, and won't back out.

And then there are the bad '80s flashbacks to all those ill-advised jumpsuits. Shudder.

This is so not a Jack Bauer move.

OK, so it's not really Jack Bauer, it's his alter-ego, Kiefer Sutherland, who was arrested early Tuesday in Los Angeles on misdemeanor charges of drunken driving -- for the second time.

Still, Jack never would let himself be so common as to allegedly drive drunk (it's all alleged until proven in court, people).

Well, except for that season when he was addicted to heroin. But that was all in the line of duty. It was a duty addiction. Totally different than joining the Lindsays and the Parises and the Nicoles and the Mels and the ... list too long, must stop now ... of the celeb world who seem to be crowding the L.A. streets with their alleged antics.

If you were a million-dollar payday celebrity -- especially in this Internet-eyes-are- always-watching-you frenzy of an era that we live in -- wouldn't you make sure you had a driver handy to take you home whenever you planned an evening of imbibing? Isn't that just common sense?

OK, so common sense is a theory unfamiliar to the Lindsays and the Parises, et al., but Kiefer Sutherland is old enough (40) to know better.

Jack Bauer would be so very disgusted.

Allegedly.

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