Dream wedding doesn't have to be financial nightmare

By Steve Rosen
The Kansas City Star

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Let's start with the good news: Your daughter's engaged, and the diamond ring looks splendid. The wedding date's set, and the word is out to family and friends to prepare for a party. Ah, love is in the air.

But after the initial glow, you're starting to fix on the price tag for the big event -- everything from the reception venue, dinner, champagne, photos, table centerpieces and, don't forget, the flowers, from the bouquet to wrist corsages.

There's serious potential for over-the-top overruns that will drag down your bank account -- a hit that could make college tuition look like chump change.

Suddenly, unhappily, you now know how Steve Martin felt in "Father of the Bride." Finding the right mix between carte blanche and a little bit of fiscal management to make sure your daughter and future son-in-law enjoy a beautiful, fun and memorable day can be tough.

But if planned carefully, the happy couple can have their dream wedding without spending more than what you (or they) can afford.

Maybe, just maybe, there will even be money left over from the festivities for the newlyweds to pump into their savings account or to put toward a down payment on a house.

That's what happened to a friend of mine who's daughter got married a year ago. After the engagement, this dad decided he'd rather not micromanage the wedding planning.

Instead, he wrote his daughter and her fiancé a check to let them spend it on the wedding as they pleased. "I made it clear that this was my (wedding) gift to them," he said.

First, the couple set a budget, then worked hard with party vendors to get the best value for their money. Because the bulk of the bills weren't coming due until close to the wedding date, the future bride and groom deposited most of this gift into a one-year certificate of deposit.

Smart move, as they earned extra income from the CD that helped stretch their budget. Along the way, they learned some practical lessons about budgeting, bill-paying, negotiating and compromising.

Not only did the father largely keep his budget intact, but the newlyweds did not go into debt to cover extra wedding costs.

"It came out perfectly," the father said.

Could this approach work for you? It all starts with getting the couple together to discuss spending priorities and values. Yes, you may want to get input from the future in-laws so they are on the same page from the get-go. Among the questions to cover: Are the future bride and groom looking for parental help or will they take charge of the planning and spending? What do they envision -- a no-holds-barred event or the bargain route? And, who will pay for what, especially if there are last-minute budget busters? Parents, how involved do you want to be in the planning? What are your spending limits, and are you willing to compromise or pick up additional, unexpected costs?

Whatever the parental involvement, be sure there is a budget and stick to it. That's often easier said than done, given that the average cost of a wedding in 2008 was $21,814, according to The Wedding Report.

Author and wedding consultant Teddy Lenderman recommends in "The Complete Idiot's Guide to a Perfect Wedding" that couples make a list of the items that are most important to them. If photos are a higher priority than flowers, spend accordingly.

Food and drink can be pricey, but the buffet line is cheaper than a formal sit-down. If you go with the buffet, how many choices will you offer? Are you willing to pass on the roast beef or asparagus.

It will make a difference in the final tab.

Other tips from Lenderman:

Make use of talented friends who might be musicians, photographers or disc jockeys.

Cake knives, goblets and other traditional wedding components can be purchased online, often at wholesale prices.

Ask for discounts from vendors. In this economic environment, caterers, photographers and florists, for example, may be willing to charge less to get the job. If you don't ask, you don't get. Besides, the worst someone could say is "no."

As marriage counselors remind us, exchanging vows is the start of a lifetime license to learn about relationships, including the money component. Planning a wedding in a cost-conscious manner, whether it's Mom and Dad's dough or the couple's, is a great way to get the marriage off on the right foot -- and it can still be fun.

E-mail Steve Rosen at srosen@kcstar.com.