Sunday, Aug. 03, 2008

Stepfamily Tips: Son upset over inheritance; issue may go deeper

Q: My wife and I purchased a home together several years ago. I have a grown son by a previous marriage. Recently I was diagnosed with a terminal illness, and my will leaves my share of our home to my wife. However, my son believes my share should be his. His reaction saddens me. Please advise.

A: We wonder if your son puts some significance on his inheritance beyond its financial worth. Perhaps he views it as a way of being recognized by you. If so, he may be attempting to force you to choose between your wife and him for reasons that have little to do with money. This may be about deeper issues.

Before addressing that, we want to commend you for having a will. All stepfamily couples need them regardless of age or health, because finances and responsibilities can be particularly complicated in stepfamilies.

Like you, most remarried parents want to ensure that their surviving spouses will be provided for, along with the children.

Beyond what is left more directly for children, it might be helpful to know that lawyers can advise ways to enable children to receive what remains of a deceased parent's share of an estate when a stepparent later dies.

Meanwhile, there is a saying: What you resist persists.

You are resisting your son's demand to leave him what you believe should go to your wife. You might try a different approach. You still can choose to leave your property to her, but send your son a letter or e-mail that states that you accept his view of the situation in theory.

Explain that he is your son and you love him. You might offer to spend time with him as your life draws to a close, and say how precious this would be for you.

You also could offer to hear what he is feeling and empathize with any hurt, especially if it is caused by perceiving that you are choosing your wife over him.

We don't know what your relationship with your son has been. But perhaps he has never received quite enough "of" you. While you may not be able to change his attitude, you might consider offering to go to a therapist with him. An unbiased third person often can discern what those who are emotionally involved easily miss.

Q: I have attended sports functions with my boyfriend for his children but haven't been introduced to their mother. Their oldest daughter seems confused about whether she should acknowledge my presence when her mother is there. This is awkward. Should I wait for my boyfriend's ex to approach me, or should I approach her first?

A: The children's biological parent -- your boyfriend -- should take the lead in situations such as these. If you take the initiative without knowing what might be going on beneath the surface, you could be seen as intruding. Then things might become even more awkward.

Contact clinical psychologist Leilani Jennings and journalist Rebecca LaVally through their Web site, www.stepfamilytips.com, or mail questions to Jennings at P.O. Box 6401, Auburn 95604.