In a roundabout way, show screams Modesto

By Pat Clark
pclark@modbee.com

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As soon as I read the short wire story announcing one of the newest reality competition shows set to hit our television screens, I knew without a doubt that this very well could be Modesto's finest hour.

And by finest, what I clearly mean is, worst.

Oh sure, Modesto has taken its share of lumps over the past decade, what with national news stories about murderers, philandering lawmakers and the like -- along with its constant seat at the top of all those lists that decry the worst things about America's cities.

But this -- this! -- really could put Modesto on the map. The Travel Channel is searching for "America's Worst Driver."

Look thee no further, fine Travel Channel. I have seen the worst and the worst is here.

And here. And here. And just around that corner over there.

In fact, the worst just keep getting worse when it comes to drivers in Modesto.

All the producers of this little reality gem have to do is park themselves at any one of several Modesto roundabouts and just wait for the contestants to drive into their laps.

Really. They actually will drive right into their laps.

I am amazed on an almost daily basis how doggone confounding something as simple as a roundabout can be for multitudes of Modesto drivers. That amazement generally comes on the heels of catching back my breath after whatever latest brush with death I've just endured on our fine city's streets.

Only a few days ago, a man in a big black truck came within an inch of plowing into my shiny little car at the roundabout at Sylvan and Roselle avenues. If I wasn't in constant defensive driver mode as I approach that -- and, let's face it, ANY intersection in Modesto -- I would not be here to share my scorn.

Mr. Truck Driver apparently missed the memo on yielding to traffic already in the roundabout. It's a common problem in these parts and I'd very much like to suggest the city issue said memo again.

You see, Mr. Truck Driver wanted to go straight through the roundabout on Sylvan from the right-hand lane as I wanted to go straight on Roselle from the left-hand lane. Even though I already was in the roundabout and was milliseconds from crossing into his right lane, he barreled right on in to cut me off without feeling compelled in the least to even slow down. It forced me to hit the breaks and veer left -- just in the nick of time -- onto Sylvan to avoid a nasty collision.

Silly me for expecting him to obey the law and all.

But, by far, my favorite group of driving numbskulls are the ones who think the roundabouts are license to go any old which way they please from any old lane they happen to be in at any old time.

These folks? Oh, they're prime fodder for the Travel Channel's new show.

Dear Numbskull Drivers: What you are doing in a roundabout is going left, right or straight through an intersection, just like any other intersection, expect this one is round vs. square.

If you are not allowed to turn right from the left hand lane on any other city street, why would you think it's legal -- or even safe -- to do so from a two-lane roundabout? This same question applies to going left from the right-hand lane.

See how that works? Left from the left, right from the right? Seems simple, yes?

Would you turn left from the right-hand lane at, oh, say, McHenry and Briggsmore avenues? Of course you wouldn't. That would be suicide. Possibly manslaughter.

So what makes you think you can do so in a roundabout? Silly little numbskull. You can't. It's suicide. Possibly manslaughter.

And if this little nugget of common sense still doesn't make things quite clear enough, well, honey, they literally have drawn you a picture.

Yes, literally. A picture! And our road engineers have placed a big copy of it just before you enter every roundabout in the city.

For the love of mercy and getting home alive, please reference it next time you're threatening all our abilities to enjoy our remaining years without the aid of a ventilator.

Heck, the roundabouts alone could yield the Travel Channel enough Modesto contestants for three or four seasons of shows. Spread out to the rest of the streets where the offenses are varied and equally numerous and this show could run into infinity.

Alas, a quick search on the Web found that the show is being cast only from larger cities such as New York, Los Angeles, Miami, Chicago, San Francisco, etc.

Poor Travel Channel producers. They have no idea the time and money they could save with a short -- albeit dangerous -- visit to little old Modesto.

Elsewhere around the Scene: Check out post-hard-core Denver band Drop Dead Gorgeous and North Carolina rockers He is Legend on Thursday at Modesto Virtual. Doors open 6 p.m., with the show set for 7 p.m. Tickets are $14. Modesto Virtual is at 947 10th St., Modesto. 522-6398.

Contact Scene Editor Pat Clark at pclark@modbee.com.