Clark: Things get too grandiose in this kitchen

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Did I mention something last week about the new cooking/reality competition television show "The Chopping Block"?

Something along the lines if "I'm in," perhaps?

Allow me to restate my position.

I'm out.

Way, way out.

What a weak show. Maybe I'm just spoiled by the magnificence that is "Top Chef," but this Top Restaurant version from NBC is no where near the USDA prime grade of my favorite Bravo channel show.

It's like filet mignon vs. ground beef.

Except the head chef and judgment pronouncer on "The Chopping Block" mistakenly seems to think he's the fillet. In fact, Marco Pierre White appears to think he's the best fillet on the planet -- the best fillet ever to have had the joy of being filleted in the history of all filleting.

Talk about pretentious.

I get that the world's great chefs take their work supremely seriously, like an art form, in many cases. But at least the judges and chefs on "Top Chef" realize they aren't curing cancer with their parsnip purées and panko-encrusted racks of lamb.

Yes, I've rolled the old eyes when "Top Chef" judge Tom Colicchio makes some goofy comment about how a chef failed to "honor" a fish that "gave up its life" and ended up in a poor-quality dish.

Please, Tom. It was snared, ripped from its ocean home, cut open and cooked. Turning out tasty is not going to take the sting off for that fish.

But Chef Marco takes things to a whole new level on "The Chopping Block." He seems to be under the impression that cooking is akin to saving humanity. He cloaks his comments about the cheftestants and cooking in gravely serious tones and aggrandizing terms.

Yes, chef, we must eat to live. It is that important.

But, dude, we can live on a bowl of microwaved mac and cheese and some steamed broccoli. It isn't rocket science.

Honestly, I can't listen to the guy. He's just so full of himself. Plus, he needs a long talk with a good stylist wielding a strong pair of clippers. He's got some wild hair that has got to be tamed for TV.

Even beyond Chef Narcissus' remarks, though, the show doesn't have the depth or pizazz of "Top Chef."

Which is, in my opinion, the true "Top Fillet." ...

For several years here at the ye olde Scene section, we've seen a proliferation of crab feeds pop up this time of year.

"It's crab feed season, guys," is annually declared as the number of such fund-raisers listed in our calendar section multiplies.

And for several years, I have wondered about them.

What makes them so popular? Why do so many groups serve up the multilegged shell shockers in an attempt to raise money? Do people really like going for a night out to something termed a "feed"?

Of course, since seafood is so not my thing, I never ventured out to learn, firsthand, the answers. Until last weekend, that is.

Turns out charity and socializing could answer question No. 1. That's what got me to a crab and pasta feed at my church, anyway. Friends had to put the thought in my head, but once the thought was there, I was all for it.

Once at the event, the answers to my other questions fell into place. It's one answer, really: the age-old combination of fellowship, food and wine.

I have to say, people do love their crab. I had no idea how much people love their crab. After Saturday night, though, I'm here to tell you, they love it a lot.

They must, because all that digging and pulling and whatever else they were doing to get the strands of white meat out of the vast multitudes of shell-covered legs served up in heaping portions on every table looked like a lot of work. It sure kept them busy, but that was just dandy.

More wine for me.

Heck, everyone seemed to love it so much, even I decided to give the crab a taste.

I'll stick to the pasta.

But at least I now can appreciate the allure of the crab feed. It was a ton of fun, and a ton of food.

Sadly, though, as much fun as it was and as much food as was provided, I don't think chef Marco of "The Chopping Block" would enjoy himself. Too bad for him.

But more wine for the rest of us.

Reach Scene editor Pat Clark at pclark@modbee.com.