THE MOVIE MASOCHIST: Dressed to nil

By JAMES FRANKLIN - McClatchy-Tribune News Service

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As far as genre movies go, romantic comedies probably adhere to formula more rigidly than any others. Many contain the same elements laid out in such predictable ways that they could have been authored by the same machines that crank out pornographic stories for the proletariat in "1984."

"27 Dresses" sticks so firmly to the formula that, in the present Silicon Age, it could be the work of a computer program called RomCom 5.0, the fifth version of which has pushed the story writing process even closer to a state of perfect, non-threatening predictability.

The basic premise goes like this: a single woman (believes she'll never find her true love/loves someone she can't have) so she spends a lot of time with her (acerbic girl pal/catty gay male friend) until she meets a guy who's her seeming opposite but they can't be together right away because (she has issues/he has issues) until finally love can't be ignored any longer and they dramatically declare their feelings in front of a crowd at a (party/airport/sports event) and the credits roll over a (soft rock song/light jazz tune/old standard).

In "27 Dresses," Jane (Katherine Heigl) is a selfless, giving young Manhattanite who's been a bridesmaid in 27 weddings, which means she owns 27 bridesmaid dresses that are hideous even by those standards.

She's in love with her boss (Edward Burns), who's completely oblivious. When Jane's shrill blonde sister comes to visit she and George fall instantly in love for no apparent reason, much to Jane's horror.

Meanwhile Jane keeps running into Kevin (James Marsden), who writes wedding stories for the fictional New York Journal. After recovering her lost date book, he decides he wants to write a feature story about Jane the perpetual bridesmaid, but he doesn't tell her he's a columnist because he's apparently content to come across as a stalker.

Jane and Kevin are instant antagonists because she loves weddings and he claims to despise them. They form a combative, needling friendship that becomes a romance that has them standing on a bar shrieking Elton John's "Benny and the Jets." After a tryst in a stranded vehicle, they're fighting again because there's still 45 minutes left in the movie.

Everything is resolved because Jane's deep, abiding love for her boss conveniently evaporates instead of sending her into a spiral of despair and/or substance abuse which, as anyone who lives in the real world can attest, is the more likely scenario.

Another affront to reality is that Kevin is supposed to be cynical, but he's the most relentlessly upbeat cynic imaginable. He's so cheerful that the director must have told him to treat the role as an audition for "Up with People." He's nothing like a real-life cynical journalist, a bilious creature who's not to be trifled with.

In fact, a clear distinction must be made between the typical movie version of a cynical reporter and the real thing. In movies a cynical reporter dresses well, appears to get plenty of fresh air and is usually well groomed. He/she may appear cynical, but it's really just a disguise for a sensitive, lovably wounded soul.

In real life, resident newsroom cynics are miserable people with a greenish pallor that comes from working too many evenings under the merciless glare of fluorescent lights. The gruff demeanor isn't a disguise for a closet romantic; it's the true face of someone whose enthusiasm for life has gradually eroded due to constant deadlines, lousy hours and corporate cutbacks. Peel back the sour facade and you won't find a smiling young man but a disgruntled professional who's hanging on until the inevitable buyout or death, whichever comes first.

Putting a realistic reporter in a romantic comedy would be problematic, because instead of racing across town to make a dramatic pronouncement of love the reporter would wind up in a bar complaining to his peers about the stupidity of current management. If that reporter managed to make it to his car before 10 p.m., all that would await him would be miserable hangover or a DWI arrest, further darkening his already surly demeanor.

Rated PG-13 for living in an alternate reality.

1 star: Lousy.

The rating system:

1 star: Lousy

2 stars: Horrible

3 stars: Painful

4 stars: Traumatic

The Movie Masochist is an emotionally wounded cinephile who lives in the United States. He watches bad movies so you don't have to. Discuss movies, argue with or simply flatter him at jfranklin@mcclatchy.com.