'Top Chef': Inky, dinky dull

So, what's up with all the tats, "Top Chef"?

Is there some restaurant kitchen trend toward copious amounts of body ink that makes a gourmet meal taste better? Because there are a lot of tattoos whisking and beating and dicing on the new season of the Bravo TV competition/reality gem.

And that's just the forearm tats. The tip of the tat iceberg — if you will — when you consider the shoulder, back and one singularly ginormous chest tattoo creeping disturbingly from beneath the décolletage on one female chef.

Last season, my keen viewing eye noticed that there was an alarming proliferation of unfortunate cropped pants donned by the male and female cheftestants. Those were heinous fashion statements, yes. But this season's statement is decidedly more permanent — and even more widespread.

Out of the 17 chefs who started the season, I've counted at least eight who are sporting significant tattooage. I'm guessing there are more tattoos living in less conspicuous places on other cheftestant bods, but I'd rather not find out those particulars, thanks ever so.

We're not talking demur little rose petals at the wrist, either. We're talking megatats. Gigantic, intricate skin murals that cover the circumferences of chef arms, from wrist to elbow to shoulder, across backs and seemingly beyond.

Again, I'd rather not find out how far beyond.

I'm not personally a fan of inky body art, but I understand that many people very much like the look. I wouldn't be taken aback by — probably wouldn't even notice — a few chefs with your average tattoos. But eight out of 17 seems like a lot — especially since most of them are sporting those megatats,

It's tat-alicious.

Clearly, it's a youthful trend. Look no further than the number of tattoo parlors that have popped up all over Modesto for confirmation that tattoos are in and in big time.

Add to that the popularity of yet another TV reality program, TLC's "L.A. Ink," and you can see how, fashion statementwise, tattoos are the new black for today's younger set.

Maybe all those tattoos are jumping out at me on "Top Chef" this season because the competition so far is so very yawn-inducing.

The tattoos are the most interesting thing about this crop of cheftestants.

First of all, any viewer worth a tablespoon of kosher salt can tell who the top five competitors are going to be in a few weeks.

It's too, too obvious.

Plus, there's a distinct lack of personalities to love or to hate. Everyone is just, you know, nice.

Sure, it's still fantastic TV, but compared to past "Top Chef" seasons, tuning in has been kind of like watching for water to boil.

There's no superannoying Marcel or Howie to get anyone angry. There's no commentary from a kooky Carla or nutty Andrew to enjoy. There's no one with anger-management issues,

a la Dale or Lisa. There's not even a questionably arrogant and devious little dickens like Spike for viewers to roll our eyes at.

So far, this season's chefs are about as dull as unseasoned meat and potatoes. Seriously, they had to trot out a mini-tirade over gay marriage — a lesbian contestant took offense to a bachelorette/

bachelor party challenge because not everyone in America is allowed to get married — to add even a hint of spark to the program.

The one guy who has even a little edge, Michael I., is kind of a throwaway. He isn't really all that annoying. He's clearly just trying to be for the sake of the cameras.

I love "Top Chef" — ja'dore — but they need to get back to casting this puppy a little better. It's nice to watch great chefs cook, but all this Milquetoast is sapping the spice out of my weekly television banquet. We need a little drama and personality whisked in.

Elsewhere around the Scene: The State Theatre is getting off track.

No, not in a bad way. In a good way — especially if you love movies.

Off Track Tuesdays provides an opportunity for the State to show the best in contemporary classics — older films that many of us have in our DVD files but would like a chance to catch again on the big screen.

Next up is a big screening of "The Godfather" — and, hey, you can't get much more contemporary classic than that. Al Pacino, Marlon Brando, James Caan, Diane Keaton, et al, return to movie-house form Tuesday at 6:30 p.m at the State. You can make it a dinner and a show night, because every Tuesday, The State serves pizza by the slice to enjoy with a glass of wine or draft beer.

A slice of pizza, a glass of wine and "The Godfather."

Ah, State Theatre, I love you with all-a my heart.

Reach Scene editor Pat Clark at pclark@modbee.com.