Domestic Abuse: This silence is not golden

This is a reprint of a story that ran in The Bee's 2003 series titled "Shattered Lives," which focused on domestic abuse. Written by Kerry McCray and published on Sept. 22, 2003, the story talks about the importance of reporting any suspected abuse no matter how small you may think it is.

A couple is lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, when the screaming starts in the upstairs apartment.

"Don't hit me," a woman yells, the sound filtering down.

"Get up, stop crying," a man replies angrily.

The couple downstairs can hear every word. The man reaches toward his nightstand. It seems as if he is going to pick up the telephone, perhaps to call police.

Instead, he turns off the light.

The scene is from a public service announcement playing on television in recent months. The message: Neighbors should be more willing to report suspected abuse.

"Some people still don't want to get involved," said Diana Almanza, director of A Woman's Place in Merced. "You don't ignore stuff like this."

But people do, said Modesto police Sgt. Adam McGill.

When he investigated such cases, he knocked on neighbors' doors in an effort to find people who might have seen or heard something.

"Most often, the neighbor will say they hear screaming," McGill said. "They hear things being thrown around."

When police are notified, though, chances are the call came from a child in the house or from a mother or sister who suspects violence, McGill said.

Once, a neighbor told McGill that she did not think the abuse was "bad enough" to call, even though she heard fighting and cries of "stop hitting me" nearly every night. Others said the violence next door was none of their business.

"Many people believe the woman can just pack her bags and go," he said.

Victims don't see it that way. Among the reasons a woman feels she cannot leave:

She depends on her abuser's paycheck.

She is afraid he will get custody of the children.

She is scared he will come after her, her children or her parents.

"They say, 'If you ever leave me, I will kill you, I will kill your family,'" Almanza said.

Sometimes neighbors may not know about the abuse, said Jeanette Sereno, an attorney and assistant professor of criminal justice at California State University, Stanislaus.

That can be especially true in upper-class neighborhoods, she said, because families who have the most to lose often want to keep violence a secret.

A high profile executive may lose his job if word gets out that he beats his wife. A politician could lose his bid for re-election.

"The better the societal position, the more likely it would be concealed," said Sereno, who teaches a course on domestic violence.

Neighbors may not be aware of subtle signs that can indicate abuse. Women hide bruises by wearing long-sleeved shirts, even in summer. They may tell their friends, "I have to be home before my husband gets home or he'll be angry."

Sereno added: "The public tends to believe that domestic violence is a lower-income, undereducated-type problem. It's not 'us' doing it. It's 'them.'"

In Modesto's Airport Neighborhood, Mary Lynn Lebow speaks freely about domestic violence. She said she often sees a neighbor yelling and throwing rocks at a boyfriend or husband.

Lebow works for Airport Neighbors United, an organization that aims to improve her section of town. When she hears her neighbors fighting, she calls 911.

She understands why others do not call, though. Sometimes they are scared that the abusers will find out who they are, even though people do not have to give their names when they call.

"I've never really been afraid to stand up for somebody else," Lebow said.

Not everyone thinks that way. Neighbors sometimes ignore someone who they think could be the victim of domestic violence, McGill said.

They will keep their children away from victims' homes and the children from those homes.

That can contribute to the sense of isolation that batterers want their victims to feel, McGill said. It goes along with controlling what she does, whom she sees, to whom she talks and what she wears.

So, what is the best way to get neighbors to report domestic violence?

"Think of someone they love in that situation," McGill said. "Would they want them to experience what's happening in that house?"