Rosenberg on fantasy sports: Plenty of turkeys to go around

Everybody loves the smell of a perfectly-cooked turkey ... except when it lands on your fantasy team's roster.

In honor of it being Thanksgiving, and to make us all feel a little better by taking jabs at those whose overwhelming underachievement lowered our IQs and raised our blood pressure, we present to you the Fantasy Sports Turkeys of 2008, from A to Z:

Andruw Jones could go down as the biggest turkey in fantasy sports history after producing just three home runs, 14 RBIs and a .158 average in 209 at-bats for the Dodgers in the first year of a $36.2 million contract.

B is for the guy in your football league who drafted Tom Brady with a top-four pick and has spent the past 11 weeks playing musical quarterbacks with Sage Rosenfels and Ryan Fitzpatrick.

C is for the guy in your football league who didn't pick up Matt Cassel to replace Brady and has spent the past 11 weeks playing musical quarterbacks with Sage Rosenfels and Ryan Fitzpatrick.

Dontrelle Willis (0-2, 9.38, 2.21 WHIP, 35 walks and 18 strikeouts in 24 innings), may I introduce you to Rick Ankiel.

Erik Bedard took $7 million from the Mariners and gave them (and his fantasy owners) just six wins in return, which makes them both turkeys.

F stands for Jeff "Lighten Up" Francis (4-10, 5.01 ERA 1.48 WHIP) and Jeff "I'm Swingin' " Francoeur (11 HRs, 71 RBIs, .239 avg. in 599 at-bats).

Get out! Did Eric Gagne really earn $1 million per save and $10 million overall to go 4-3 with a

5.44 ERA last season for the Brewers?

H is for where have you gone, Todd Helton (seven HRs, 29 RBIs, .264 average in 299 ABs) and Torry Holt (42 receptions, 496 yards, two TDs in 11 games)?

I is for the icky season turned in by deposed Cardinals closer Jason Isringhausen (1-5, 5.70 ERA, 1.64 WHIP and more blown saves than fingers).

J is for Tigers ace Justin Verlander, who just didn't have it (11-17, 4.84 ERA, 1.40 WHIP) in '08.

K is for Jack Cust of the A's, who had an AL single-season record 197 of them last season.

L is for Chiefs running back Larry Johnson, whose performance off the field (from the manly spitting at women in bars to twice getting suspended) hasn't been any better than on it (565 yards and three TDs in seven games).

M is for the mess that is Stephon Marbury. We don't even know where to begin.

N is for numskull, nitwit, nincompoop ... and no, I will not draft Cowboys tight end Jason Witten in the second round again next season.

O stands for the big zero that has been Chad Ocho Cinco (41 receptions for 383 yards in 10 games).

P is for those who drafted Bengals quarterback Carson Palmer over Brett Favre, Jay Cutler, Philip Rivers, Eli Manning, Aaron Rodgers ... this isn't helping, is it?

Q stands for anybody who says they saw Carlos Quentin (36 HRs, 100 RBIs) coming last spring.

R is for I'm really glad I passed on Saints running back Reggie Bush (660 total yards, five TDs in seven games).

S is for the stink coming off the season Gary Sheffield delivered for the Tigers (.225 average, 19 HRs, 57 RBIs in 418 ABs).

T is for Chargers running back LaDainian Tomlinson (203 attempts, 770 yards, five TDs rushing in 11 games), the former MVP who has gone Shaun Alexander on his fantasy owners this season.

U stands for where's Ugueth Urbina when you need him?

V did not stand for "victory" for baseball owners who drafted Indians catcher Victor Martinez (two HRs, 35 RBIs, .278 average) with a top-30 pick (sorry, Noel).

W is for all of us who passed on Cardinals quarterback and short-list MVP candidate Kurt Warner (3,506 yards, 21 TDs, 102.4 QB rating).

X is for Xavier Nady, who had a great season for the Bucs and Yankees (25 HRs, 97 RBIs, .305 average) and deserves as much turkey as he pleases today.

You don't see many Vince Young (one TD, two INTs, 110 yards) No. 10 jerseys in Tennessee these days.

Z is for Giants money pit Barry Zito, whose 2008 performance (10-17, 5.15 ERA, 1.60 WHIP) made fantasy types yearn for the "good ol' days" of 2007 (11-13, 4.53 ERA, 1.35 WHIP).

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody, now let's feast!

Bee fantasy sports columnist Stu Rosenberg can be reached at srosenberg@modbee.com or 578-2300.