Posted on Sat, Jun. 21, 2008

There is no single word to describe the fear of writing a Health and Fitness column.

At least not yet.

However, there is a word for the fear of writing (graphophobia), the fear of words (logophobia) and the very legitimate fear of computers (cyberphobia).

According to California psychiatrist Howard Liebgold, a k a "Dr. Fear," there are more than 200 recognized phobias afflicting 46 million Americans. The American Psychiatric Association defines a phobia as an irrational fear.

Dr. Fear, who suffered from claustrophobia for 31 years, disagrees.

"All fears are based on a rational premise," Dr. Fear states in his book, "Curing Phobias, Shyness & Obsessive-Compulsive Disorders the Phobease Way."

"Phobic fears are created to protect your ego or save your life," he writes.

A phobia, he says, is your brain's way of scaring you into safety. If you are afraid of public speaking, eating in front of others or intimacy, your brain tells you to avoid those situations because your self-esteem might be at risk.

Being a work-at-home columnist who seldom ventures outdoors or bothers to put on pants, I am afflicted with many of the 200 phobias that Dr. Fear describes. For starters, as many readers of this column will attest, I suffer from ideophobia, which is the fear of ideas. But, because I am brave, if somewhat timid, I agreed to write this column despite the fact that I suffer from phobophobia (which is, of course, the fear of phobias).

I never realized how many phobias I suffered from until I read the list compiled by Robert Haining at www.phobialist.com.

For example, I fear going to Asian restaurants because of the possibility that I will be confronted with chopsticks. Eating food with chopsticks is, to me, akin to painting a picture with the help of an electric fan. You're going to get soiled, and the end result is not going to be pretty.

I would have died of starvation by now if I had not discovered a way of osmosing shrimp fried rice through my trousers. It takes a tremendous force of will, sure, but I have thus far avoided being institutionalized for my fear of chopsticks, which technically is known as consecotaleophobia.

The droopy-trousers controversy reminds me that I suffer from ephebiphobia, which is fear of teenagers.

If you think the media are controlled by communist sympathizers in pink underwear (it's part of the uniform), then you may suffer from bolshephobia, which is fear of Bolsheviks. Those who fear the opposite presumably suffer from Limbaughphobia.

More than a few people, upon meeting their spouse's family, discover that they are afflicted with pentheraphobia, which is fear of mothers-in-law. Fears of sons- or daughters-in-law are not documented phobias, presumably because they don't exist.

Some phobias are helpful. In fact, I wouldn't even call them phobias; I'd call them common sense. For example, there is cynophobia, which is fear of rabies; cypridophobia, which is fear of venereal disease; and proctophobia, which is fear of rectal disease. (People who fret excessively over that last one usually have anal personalities.)

Other phobias are just plain stupid. For example, there is arachibutyrophobia, which is the fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth. Try saying that with your mouth full of peanut butter.

If you can't narrow down your list of phobias, you may suffer from polyphobia, which is the fear of many things.

Some people fear spiders, snakes and the number 13, all of which seem like rather pedestrian phobias to me.

Personally, I fear that my job will be eliminated, dooming me to spending the rest of my life living in an appliance carton underneath an overpass.

That phobia almost surely would have a very complex name, but probably not more complex than hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia, which is, of course, the fear of long words.

Grimes is a columnist for the Herald-

Tribune in Sarasota, Fla. Contact him at david.grimes@heraldtribune.com.

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